Bart Poetry
David Johnson is Bart’s official poet. He is a witty and quirky poet and his inspiration comes from the bizarre world in which we live.
Below are a number of poems that David has written for Bart.
Everyone can cook from scratch (2007)
Everyone can cook from scratch,
There really is no nasty catch.
All you need is a little time,
A pinch of herbs, a dash of lime,
Ingredients from the recipe
That you want to make for tea.
Everyone can cook from scratch,
Good food for shoving down the hatch.
Eat healthy and feel fantastic.
Take the strain off your elastic.
It is never too late to start
Caring for your body parts.
Everyone can cook from scratch,
Whether single or attached
It makes no difference what your age is
Flicking through a cook-book’s pages
Man or woman, girl or boy
All can cook food to enjoy
If you are still doubtful and wonder if it’s true
That all this tasty cooking could be done by you.
Take away some recipes, buy some chilli sauce,
Get a little help, why not sign up for a course.
Everyone can cook from scratch,
There really is no nasty catch.
Henry the Eighth and his many wives (2008)
Henry the Eighth and his many wives
All had a liking for thin-diced chives
In addition, he thought it silly
To eat cooked food that had no chilli
He often declared a menu weak
If it did not mention fenugreek
Kate Aragon was no paragon
When it came to wanting tarragon
And as for her desire for cumin
King Hal would often find her fumin’
That her meals lacked bite and savour
So soon fell she from Henry’s favour
Queen Anne Boleyn, Henry’s second fling
Spent much of her time in dallying
A courtier heard her murmur,” Nick,
Sprinkle my oysters with turmeric”
They say she whispered,” try harder Tom
I must have plenty of cardamom”
Whilst Ann of Cleeves rubbed fresh bay leaves
Over her face and under her sleeves
Because she thought that it was unfair
That Henry called her his Flanders mare
This herby treatment did her no good
Henry divorced her because he could
Now Katherine Howard and Katherine Parr
They loved tandoori masala
But Katy H loved more than spices
And so when left to her devices
She winked and flirted brazenly
Then lost her head quite brutally
Of all his wives Hal found Jane the tops
For he loved her way with mutton chops
On which she crushed fresh coriander
A taste which made his hands meander
Amongst Miss Seymour’s lacy trappings
A prelude to her full unwrapping
And so here ends this nonsense rhyme
About King Henry, herbs and spouses
I hope you have enjoyed the thyme
Learning how spiced food arouses
Bart’s Bristol Blend (2008)
Bristol is a blend of cultural diversity:
Multi-layered city of colours, cults, communities
Of maritime heritage and serpentine traffic queues
Of industry, commerce and hip hop sound-system crews
Five kinds of peppers make Bart’s Bristol Blend
Green, black, white, pink and smooth round Jamaican
We thought up this mixture thirty years ago
Copied by many but still our true hero
The green is the first to be picked from the vine
We keep its tangy taste and its looks so fine
By drying it or freezing it or soaking it in brine
Perfect addition to our spicy combine
Black is the next and plucked when it’s still green
A hard wrinkled skin more pensioner than teen
It’s dried in the sun to a dark brown sheen
Its moisture levels strictly overseen
White comes from berries green, turned reddy brown.
Their skin is as smooth as a face without a frown,
We remove it gently in water swirling ’round.
When dried, they bring a Barn Yard smell to town
Pink adds the glamour to our Bristol Blend
Nut a true peppercorn but a true friend
To the isle of Reunion you must wend
To see the trees on which these fruits depend
Jamaican is the last in our selection
Also known as Allspice, it adds complexion,
Hints of nutmeg, cloves to our confection
The final piece in our search for perfection
Bristol Blend brings together spices in harmony
Each flavour and aroma enhancing the whole
Bristol city is a blend of cultural diversity
Still striving to discover its harmonious soul
Bart the Bedminster Food Giant (2007)
To celebrate the NVQ achievements of our staff
It all starts in the kitchen where spices are sprinkled
Where cooks with their cookbooks stand scratching their heads
As they try to decide how best to transform that pile of yesterday’s leavings.
For it’s then that the Bedminster food giant, Bart
Steps up with his hints about cumin and cloves
It’s then that Bart’s web-site and recipe archive
Come to the help of that helpless housewife
It’s then that Bart’s bottles, pouches and packets
So perfectly filled by his NVQ’ed staff
Are opened and added to perk up the dishes
That soon will be eaten by families and friends
The fabulous forty NVQ’ed staff
Is part of the secret that gives Bart success
In the kitchen, the city, the Evening Post
In restaurants and delis from inland to coast
And there’s more good news
This forty is soon to be fifty five
If Dennis and Dave can learn to survive
The “no smoking at the gate regime”
And add fifteen more to the NVQ’ed team.
It’s like natural harmony (2006)
In praise of the new hand-packing unit at Bart’s
Some days it was chaos.
Waitrose orders waiting
And not enough capacity
To get them all filled.
Evenings, weekends,
All hands to the pump
And still there were occasions
When we failed
But now four months after
We started up this unit,
We’re still stunned
Every morning
By how much it can produce:
Butter-beans; rosemary;
Bouquet garni; dill.
There’s hardly anything
That it can’t fill
It’s like natural harmony
Has descended on Bart’s
A balance that was missing in the past
It’s the biggest impact
On this business in years
And it’s up to us to make sure that it lasts
It cost a hundred grand
To do it as Jim planned
It’ll payback in three years
Do I hear the sound of tears
From the treasury,
In misery,
Wishing that their projects
Were half as good as this?
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